I think, I owe an apology and explanation to some whom I’ve made promises to but may have let down afterwards. Just to be clear, I’m not asking for sympathy or pity. All I want is to apologise and explain my past actions.
I know that oftentimes my style of communication is lacking. It must be plain annoying when I disappear and go silent for no apparent reason.
Most often it’s been because of my mental condition but sometimes it’s my personality deficiencies and idiosyncrasies. I can assure you it’s nothing personal.
There are a few reasons; I’m suffering from a bipolar disorder. I can be productive when I’m feeling well and I can be extra productive when I’m in a hypomanic phase. However, that extra productivity comes with some caveats. I’m not good with multitasking, it’s hard to focus on priorities and burnout is almost always the result of the phase. My OCD doesn’t help either.
Having a hypomanic phase is like being strapped to a jetpack on full throttle; The thing burns hot, goes fast an hitting a wall is always a possibility. When I inevitably hit the proverbial wall, I fall down straight into depression and those are the moments you may have encountered when dealing with me.
The depressive phase is like being in a dirty and sticky tar pit. Every moment is moot and dull. All rational thought is useless and nothing can make me move. Even the most mundane tasks, like getting out of bed or preparing food, seem insurmountable.
Yes, antipsychotic and antidepressant drugs help. Therapy also helps. But I’ve given up those things more times than I’m willing to admit. That’s because my self-discipline is lacking.
I know the basic reasons behind the absence of strong discipline, low self-esteem and reduced willpower. I’ve been trying to fix myself every time I’ve broken down. It is an uphill battle but I’m making some progress every time.
I really hope you’ll accept this public letter as an apology and an explanation of the reasons behind my behaviour. It may not right the wrong of your worries and frustration, or, in some cases, even material losses.
I haven’t talked about my mental condition publicly for more than a decade since I started to realized what it is. It’s because of the stigma in society and even outright dismissal from some of the closest people.
Luckily, I’ve found supporting friends and like-minded people who understand and support me even when I’m not at my best.
One of the things that changed my mind and set things in motion was the story about depression by Zach Holman titled The Depression Thing.
I’m not asking you to trust me again if I’ve disappointed you before. I just felt that, at the least, I owe an explanation to you. In some part, I may need this explanation more than you do. For one thing, to get it off my chest and out of my head.
Andis Grosšteins aka Andy